Hello! This is future Governor Charles Barkley at yo service! Well, I’m at yo service when I’m not talking about Nate Robinson on TNT, because I need me some of that green y’all. Hey, a gambalan’ (gambling) addiction can’t pay for itself ya know.
Anyway, I plan to run for da office of Governor of Alabama in the year 2014. My home needs me….. no, not Arizona, the proud state of Alabama! So what if I turned my back on my home state ever since I joined the NBA? I’m coming back to save all you ignorant hicks aren’t I?! I’m NBA royalty, and I have the fire and will power needed to make Alabama great!
Fine, fine, fine. If you want me to offer up a few more issues about my path towards the 2014 Gubernatorial race, then listen to my 3 point presentation of points:
Point #1: I can throw down with the best of ’em
Those pansies that run the other states don’t know how real politics need to be worked out. But the folks in the Alabama state government sure do know how to work things out Sir Charles style. Take Charles Bishop as an example:
That’s what I’m talking about guys! A political debate should be all about emotion and letting that other guy know where you stand. If they don’t like you, tough nuts! They’ll have to answer to the largest governor since Big Jim Folsom (what kinda a redneck white dude name is that?!). I might not have the knees required for a fight, but I’ve got size baby.
Point #2: I know how to appeal to the key demographics of the voting public
This is all you need to know:
Christians are turrible. They so turrible, they ridiculous. Not real Christians, but those fakes ones called the evangelical Christians who vote Republican. You now, the ones that pray, attend church regularly, don’t gamble, go to Bible study, etc. They the ones messing up the state of Alabama. I can’t wait to keep the conservative Christians out of the Alabama political game, because goodness knows they are only a small part of the voting block.
Point #3: It’s all about the childrens
Those childrens are our future. They can hardly tie their own shoes, much less read. With my helps, your children will grow up to be the people you want them to be. No, not overweight loudmouths, but productive members of the American work force (overweight loudmouths with union power!). I promise you I will do what is necessary to prove myself to be a positive influence on your kids. After all, I’m the perfect role model as a with the policy I bring to the table as a potential Democratic nominee: we raise em so you don’t have to. I’ve believed in this policy my entire life.
So vote for Barkley in 2014. I promise you this won’t be like 2006 or 2010, where I talked a big game, but ultimately backed down. How can you be sure of this? Well…. you can’t. But I’m Charles Barkley, and I think I might want to possibly be your Governor. Peace!