Roy: Golly gosh! I sure am glad to get North Carolina back to the Final Four. Now I can focus on winning another National Title so I can cement a great legacy in Chapel Hill.
Roy: Oh hey, the phone is ringin’. Must be a newspaper guy wantin’ to profile old Roy. *picks up phone* Hello?
Mysterious Voice #1: YOU’RE GOING DOWN ROY! VENGEANCE IS MADE OF LIMESTONE AND SOY BEANS BABY!
Roy: Who is this? Wha…. what’s going on here?
Mysterious Voice #1: ROCK CHALK! *hangs up phone*
Roy: Sheesh! Seems some folks are gettin’ all worked up for our Final Four match-up. Oh well, can’t let one rabid fan bother me.
*Phone rings again*
Roy: Well ain’t that something…. two phone calls less than a minute apart. This one has to be that reporter. *picks up phone* Roy Allen Williams speaking.
Mysterious Voice #2: Roy, Roy, Roy….. how good it is to hear your voice. How are you?
Roy: Good. Ok, so let me start with my childhood. *clears throat* I was born in Spruce Pine, North Carolina in 1950. Gosh, everytime I win at UNC, I remember being a wide-eyed youngster watching those Heels plowin’ on to victo-….
Mysterious Voice #2: Roy, I’m not interested in that junk.
Roy: But I didn’t get to talk about my childhood affection for Coke!
Mysterious Voice #2: Sorry Roy. I just wanted to tell you that hell hath no fury like a Jayhawk scorned.
Roy: What in the blazes? Who is this?!
Mysterious Voice #2: YOU’RE GOING DOWN IN SKY BLUE FLAMES! OH, AND THANKS FOR THE JOB, COACH HUCKLEBERRY! BWAHAHAHA! *hangs up*
Roy: Man, I am not liking this day so far. I need to get some soothing Coca-Cola. *presses button* Brenda, please bring me my comfort juice.
Brenda: Yes sir.
Roy: COKE ZERO! This stuff is for hippie hugging liberals who can’t take calories like a real man.Who sabotaged my supply?!
Roy: AW HORSE POO! Who could it be this time?
Mysterious Voice #3: *mumbles something threatening*
Roy: What did you just say?
Mysterious Voice #3: *spits out rack of lamb* Sorry…. You’re going down old man! It was I who replaced your Coke supply!
Roy: Why would you do such a dastardly deed?!
Mysterious Voice #3: Why? Well….. I was told to. My boss said I have to harass you so you won’t be on your A game in Texas. If I don’t, he’ll take away the stair-lift to my office. Listen Roy, I’ll gladly give you your Coke back on one condition.
Roy: Name it!
Mysterious Voice #3: I WANT TO EAT YOUR BABY!
Roy: You mean….. this baby?
Mysterious Voice #3: Yes! Get in my belly!
Roy: Hmmm…… Man, this is a tough, tough decision. *mulls offer* Nah, I can always buy more Coke, but I can’t buy another baby. Besides, this baby matches my sofa.
Mysterious Voice #3: FINE! But beware, I’ll get me that baby sometime. And when I do, I’ll wash it down with a bubbly Coca-cola!
Roy: *slams down phone* I think I’m going to bed early tonight after all this crap. Goodnight everyone!
*later that night in Roy’s head*
Hansbrough: CATCH HANSBROUGH FEVER BABY!
Roy: I’VE GOT IT TYLER!
Cast includes Roy Williams, Jayhawk mascot, Bill Self, Mark Mangino, random kid, and Tyler Hansbrough. I am sorry for resorting to an Austin Powers joke with Mangino, but it is hard to resist.