Mike G: Hello?
Operator: Yes Sir, I have a collect call from “Mark Gottfried” for “Uncle Mikey!”
Mike: *sigh* I’ll accept the charge Operator
Mark G: Hey! Thanks for picking up Uncle Mike!
Mike: How’d you get this number? It’s not listed for a reason, Mark.
Mark: Oh come on Uncle Mike. You know dad can’t keep secrets forever.
Mike: Dang that Joe Gottfried. *shakes fist in a mild rage* So I hear you were stalking some blogger.
Mark: Oh that? Don’t worry about that. I just do that to keep the fan base in tact long enough for me to grab the Indiana job once they get desperate.
Mike: You wish
Mark: Ok…… Cleveland State
Mike: Mark, why don’t you just tell me why you called. Corso’s coming soon and he wants me to get a spray on tan before our trip.
Mark: Well…. things are rough around here in Tuscaloosa. I’m in my 10th year on the job, yet I’ve only had 3 winning seasons in conference play and am sitting near .500 against SEC opponents. Half the town either wants me gone, or hates me, but is too cheap to fire me. What should I do?
Mike: Well…. there are only one or two things you can do at this point. First, you have to start coaching in ways you’ve never done before. I’m talking about using every single second of a game to communicate with your players, work harder at breaking down film, allowing your assistants to grow with you, and so forth.
Mark: A bit unconventional, but it’s worth a shot.
Mike: Son, you’re denser than Mercury sometimes.
Mark: I’m not sure I follow.
Mike: You never have. But secondly, you need to let go of an assistant or two. Promoting Kobe Baker was not the smartest decision Mark, and you know it. Oh, and you need to make sure everyone around your program knows that one injured player hurts, but it isn’t the end of the world. That Steele fella was out of action over the summer, so you certainly had plenty of time to work around it.
Mark: Ok, coach better, and fire Kobe. Thanks Uncle Mike!
Mike: Wait Mark, don’t forget about the injury talk….
Mike: Dang that boy.
Lee Corso: Hey Mike! It’s time to leave for our road trip. We’re touring the spring games, remember?! Oh, and I picked up a hitchhiker along the way. Hope that’s ok with you.
Chigurh: Got enough room for my air tank?
Mike: This will not end well.