Lunch Break In Tuscaloosa

Here is one of the strangest things I have ever written in my life. I’m suffering from a weird mixture of stress, ramen noodles, dr. pepper, and gatoraid. If you like it, let me know so I can make more. If you don’t…. well then your parents don’t love you. I’m sorry if this makes no sense whatsoever. Just remember that there is a link to click at the bottom so you can see the really weird part.

Lunch time in the Mal. M. Moore Athletic Building (the MMM house). Sitting at a table in the corner is one Coach Mark Gottfried with a turkey on wheat and a Diet Coke. His assistant coaches sit across from him.

M. Gottfried: Mmm, that’s a tasty sandwich because it is so healthy, but satisfying at the same time. *sips his drink* Ok boys, tell me what you saw on the tape from the Mississippi State loss.

Assistants: Well…… the Bulldogs had a field day from the 3-point line. They shot 46%, while we shot a measly 14%.

M. Gottfried: Uh huh. Just tell me something good.

Assistants: Well, Richard Hendrix scored 21 points.

M. Gottfried: There ya go! That’s my super effective UCLA high post offense at work.

Assistants: Wasn’t John Wooden the one to design it?

M. Gottfried: Well ya see…. I coached at UCLA and won a national championship with that great offense, just like Wooden. Therefore, I basically own it as much as that long eared mummy.

Assistants: But you were an assistant like us, and Wooden is the most successful coach in the history of basketball! Besides, the rest of the team only scored 35 points with this offense.

M. Gottfried: *starts to get flustered* Well……. see….. it’s because we don’t have Ron Steele, that’s why! If we had ole Ronny, I’m sure we would’ve scored in the 60’s at least. *shakes head approvingly* Yep, he’s my “secret weapon”

Assistants: ….. that everyone knows about.

M. Gottfried: What’s that? *assistants sit silent* …..Regardless, he’s our foundation.

Enters Sarah Patterson with her husband David Patterson

M. Gottfried: Oh, hey Sarah! How’s it going?

S. Patterson: Hey Mark, I’m doing fine. How are you?

M. Gottfried: About as well as I can with a non-football related program at the Capstone. It’s just so tough to have a consistently successful program when all people will ever show up for is football.

S. Patterson: Uh… I guess so. Could you hold on a minute Mark? *turns to husband* David, I need you to call the trophy case salesman for me. Tell him I wanted the one that could hold the largest amount of weight possible. Make sure he can hold the girl’s Olympic medals too. *turns back to Mark* I’m sorry Mark, what were you saying?

M. Gottfried: *mumbles* nothing…..

A rumbling sound suddenly arises

M. Gottfried: Oh shove my face in a beehive, it’s…. it’s…..



Saban fans: OMG!!!!1!!! WE WANT SABAN! WE WANT SABAN!

Saban wipes brow with handkerchief and tosses it into crowd. They become fiercely rabid running down the “lucky” recipient of Saban’s musk.

N. Saban: That should keep them out of my hair for about 15 minutes….. how’s it hanging Gottfried?

M. Gottfried: Well I’m glad you asked that Nick. Things could be better, but I can’t….

*interrupts* N. Saban: Yeah, that’s swell….. *checks watch* wooooah! I’ve already been here for 38 seconds and have yet to study any game film….. see ya later Sarah, David…. *looks at Mark*…. Sarah.
Enters John Parker Wilson

JPDub: Hey Coach! I brought my Lunchable so we could studying the game together over lunch!

N. Saban: *hops up* There’s my boy! Hey John, are you thirsty?

JPDub: Yeah, I am a little parched. It’s a long way here from the main campus area.

*blows on dog whistle* N. Saban: McElroy!!!!!!

McBackup: What!?

N. Saban: Get JP some water. None of that “tap” garbage, he needs Fiji or Dasani!

McBackup: Fine! But I was promised some garbage time this season, and all I got were some lousy minutes against WCU.

N. Saban: Go you Texas cow pie!

McBackup: Fine, but I’m only getting the bottle that has been in the fridge for 2 minute so it can still be room temp! BWAHAHAHAHA!

N. Saban: Rush Propst’s illegitimate QB and I are going back upstairs to join the other coaches. We’ll catch you later if you can make it past that crowd. They might smell my sent on you. *Saban and Wilson leave*

The Pattersons: See ya Mark!

Sarah and David leave

M. Gottfried: Well, I guess this lunch meeting has been productive enough. We probably need to start our Auburn game plan.

a loud rumble comes from nowhere

M. Gottfried: Oh come on! How often does Saban come over here?! Wait…… I don’t hear any screaming fans….. could it be? It is!

JOE KINES! RUN! *Gottfried and staff scatter*


Joe-verfield: RWARGH!!!!!! WHERE’S MY TROUT LUNCH!?


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