Network Basketball

A BRIEF SATIRE OF HOWARD BEALE’S MONOLOGUE FROM THE MOVIE “NETWORK” (LINK)

I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s depressing. Everybody’s stressed over the Clemson debacle or scared of losing to lesser teams. One million dollars buy a nickel’s work, the fans are looking somewhat empty inside, only Gee and Hendrix are able to score. Opponents are running wild on the court and there’s nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there’s no end to it. We sit watching our TV’s while some local sports anchor tells us that today we had a 44.1 shooting percentage and were out rebounded by an undeveloped team, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We know things are bad – worse than bad. They’re crazy.

It’s like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don’t go out to the games anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the sports world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, ‘Please, at least let us have something worth watching in our living rooms. Let me have my surround sound and my high def TV and my universal remote control and I won’t say anything. Just leave us alone and win 8 or 9 SEC games!’ Well, I’m not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don’t want you to protest or scream about firing the coach. I don’t want you to riot- I don’t want you to write to your Athletic Director because I wouldn’t know what to tell you to write. I don’t know what to do about the lack of intensity and the poor shooting and the spotty defense and the crime that is an Alabama basketball game nowadays. All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad.

[shouting] You’ve got to say, ‘I’m an ALABAMA FAN, Gosh darnit! My university has VALUE!’ So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and call the Finebaum show. Call him, and stick your phones to your ears, and yell, ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’ I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your laptops, open them and type this in all caps on a message board as if you’re yelling – ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’

Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad!… You’ve got to say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Then we’ll figure out what to do about the intensity and the poor shooting and the spotty defense and the total absence of a scripted play. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it:

[screaming at the top of his lungs] “I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!”

Please remember that this is a satire. I’m not THAT angry….yet

2 Responses to “Network Basketball”

  1. Al C. Hemist Says:

    “I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!”

    I’m not sure I’m being satirical.

  2. crimson daddy Says:

    Alabama basketball isn’t quite dead to me, but it is on life support. I will pull for them and hope they win, but I don’t think I’ll be able to watch them when they’re on TV. Whatever grace period Gottfried had after that Elite Eight run has long since passed. If the team played hard and lost, that would be one thing, but Gottfried’s teams have no heart. And absolutely no defensive intensity. I can’t stand watching them play.

    Then I think about how Gottfried has all but ruined Ron Steele’s career, and I get even more pissed. I have yet to understand why his little brother signed to play for him.


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