A Day on the Crimson Caravan

*Sitting in the driver’s seat of a jumbo sized RV, we find Alabama Athletic Director Mal Moore wearing a worn truckers hat while humming along with C.W. McCall’s classic tune Convoy*

Mal: Con-voy! *inhales* Yes sir, the open road has never looked so good! I’m glad I could get out of the office for a few days to enjoy the great state of Alabama. On to Mobile!

*stumbling forward due to a bumpy ride, Nick Saban quickly plops down into the passenger’s seat*

Saban: Ooff! Mal, could you learn how to drive sometime before my spleen jumps up into my Adam’s apple?!

Mal: Nick, you do need to show some respect. I am your boss you know….

*Saban holds up contract, Moore drops head in dejection*

Saban: As I was saying, your ability to drive this massive steel tomb is abysmal. It’s really starting to hinder my ability to find a way to contact players so that the NCAA doesn’t throw another 3 year old style hissy fit.

Mal: How’s that going?

Saban: Not that great actually. I’m working on a hybrid mixture of sign language and smoke signals. Needless to say, it’s somewhat tedious and incomprehensible.

Mal: I’m afraid to even ask what it looks like….

Saban: Well, I haven’t worked out all of the kinks, but it involves this guy *hands photograph to Mal*

Mal: SWEET MOTHER OF BEAR, THAT’S CRAZY! YOU DO REALIZE THAT SOME HEALTH STANDARDS BOARD SOMEWHERE WILL HAVE A COW OVER THIS DON’T YOU!?

Saban: Probably. That guy when into a nicotine induced coma on Julio Jones alone. But that’s your issue since you get to hire all of the legal guys. As for me, I need to finish my speech for the stop and analyze some recruiting tapes. After all, somebody has to figure out who’s who in the class of 2016. *stumbles back towards sofa*

Mal: Note to self, get secretary to write up two dozen different medical release forms for smoker guy.

*Mal looks at mirror only to notice Big Al making his way towards the front*

Mal: Ah, Big Al! Ready to excite the fans?

Big Al: …… *wiggles belly*

Mal: Ah ha ha! Do something else!

Big Al: …. *swings truck over head like a rope*

Mal: Yeah!!! Thanks Al, you always know how to help me relax

Big Al: …. *salutes Mal and walks towards Saban*

Saban: *from the back of the RV* Good, I need somebody to help me figure out how to create the letter “R” in smoke. Any ideas?

Big Al: …..

Saban: Brilliant!

Mal: Glad to see everyone getting along. *Turns head to yell* HOW’RE WE DOING MDB?

Million Dollar Band: *in unison* We’re hungry! We need to pee! Where’s our per diem!?

Mal: I told you to go BEFORE we left!

MDB: We drank like a whole liter of coke! A LITER! We weren’t gonna do it, but Ricky the mellophone player dared the rest of us to do it…. AND WE DID IT!

Mal: Well you’ll just have to hold it!

MDB: BUT MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!

Mal: I SWEAR I WILL TURN THIS RV AROUND! DO YOU WANT THAT?!

MDB: …. no sir.

Mal: Good! *sees exit sign for Mobile* Ah, we’re almost there! Get your stuff together everyone, it’s time to shine.